Dear Mom,
May 17, 2022, is a day I won’t soon forget.
After two-and-a-half hours, I left your bedside for the ride of a lifetime aboard the B-29 “Doc.”
Strapped into one of six gunner seats as the engines started up, the message I expected arrived.
“Ben, I don’t know if you’re up in the air right now or not, but I need to let you know that your mom has just now passed away…I was here in her room, holding her hand as she took her last breath and slipped away…😢”
I thought I was ready, Mom, but that message still hit me like a ton of bricks. More than a few tears fell as my head dropped.
As we taxied from the ramp to the runway, I had a few moments to gather myself.
I am certain I was exactly where I was supposed to be at that moment.
Among the many lessons I learned from you and Dad was that life is to be lived. And that was what I was doing.
On May 16, I received an email from Ted Huetter at the Museum of Flight at Boeing Field in Seattle. Was I interested in a media flight on Doc…tomorrow?
Mom, I have to admit, I did pause for a few moments. But your voice, the voice you had before it became muted by dementia, rang loud and clear in my head.
I replied to Ted with gratitude and excitement at the opportunity. I’d see him May 17.
As you know Mom, the publishing world is not for the faint of heart, but there are a few perks along the way. And this was one perk I could not pass up.
Honor. Educate. Connect.
That is Doc’s mission.
You would’ve enjoyed the entire experience.
Doc is one of just two airworthy Boeing B-29s in the world today. It is owned by the non-profit Doc’s Friends in Wichita, Kansas.
As crew member Josh Wells briefed the passengers before the flight, he mentioned that Doc serves to honor the brave men who flew her and the incredible women who built her.
I can see you grinning, with a mischievous twinkle in your eye, at the mention of “the incredible women who built her”.
Doc took 16 years and more than 400,000 hours of volunteer labor to rebuild to flying condition.
As we flew around Puget Sound for 30 minutes, we were allowed to unbuckle and crawl around to marvel at this machine and, as Josh put it, honor those who flew aircraft like this into battle.
In addition to thinking of, and honoring those brave warriors, I couldn’t help, of course, but think of you. Had it not been for a decision you and Dad made more than 50 years ago, I wouldn’t be onboard Doc.
The purchase, in 1970, of what is now General Aviation News and the following decades is what made it possible for me to be in a position for Ted to email me in the first place. No General Aviation News, no ride on Doc. Simple as that.
You see, Doc’s Friends sell ride tickets, and they are tough to come by — and expensive. All seats for all flights while Doc was in Seattle were sold before the B-29 even entered Washington’s airspace.
If you happen to be reading this letter, and aren’t my Mom, you have a chance to see — and maybe ride on — Doc throughout the remainder of spring and summer. Check the Doc’s Friends website for more details.
Dementia and Care
I know the last five years of your life weren’t what you wanted or expected. I’m sorry for that.
Dementia took its toll on you, on your memory, and on your ability to understand. Even simple things like “what would you like for dinner?” became a struggle for you.
But one thing you never forgot and were never confused by was vanilla ice cream. You could’ve been in the midst of a horrible day, but when a scoop of vanilla ice cream was placed in your hand, all your struggles melted away for those few moments.
As I’m writing this, it has been one week since you died. Like I said at the start, I thought I was prepared. Dementia made it so you only recognized me about half of the time. But you not being here any longer, that’s going to take me some time to process.
And that’s a good thing.
The lessons I learned from you I will treasure for the rest of my days. But one stands at the top of the list at this particular moment as it is so fresh in my memory.
You updated your healthcare directive in 2014. And you made certain I understood your choices. While not easy, that simple document made my job of sticking up for you easier. To the doctor who was incredulous that I would not allow treatment, I simply replied, “this isn’t my decision. I’m honoring the choice of the person who made them.”
Again, if you aren’t my Mom, and you are reading this, please do yourself and your loved ones a favor and make certain your medical wishes are known. Here’s a great resource.
There is so much more to say. I am so proud to be your son.
Thank you. And I miss you. Godspeed Mom.
Much love, Ben
If you feel moved to make a contribution in Mom’s name, Women in Aviation or the Rotary Club of Lakewood would be great places to do so. For Women in Aviation, go to WAI.org/donate and type Mary Lou Sclair in the “In Memory of.“ For the Rotary Club of Lakewood, mail a check to P.O. Box 99786, Lakewood, WA 98496.
You can read Mom’s Obituary Notice here.
Publisher’s Note: My day job is as owner and operator of General Aviation News. This letter was previously published on the General Aviation News website on May 30, 2022. Mom and Dad also owned The Suburban Times from 1975-1980.
Woo.
Been in a similar situation.
And I can’t recall that you’ve ever given us a glimpse behind the scenes, Ben.
But a beautiful story. And so many beautiful messages.
Beautiful tribute, Ben. My late father, who also was afflicted with dementia, served as a command gunner on B-29s and before that, on B-24s, during WW2. Two days before he passed away, I was outside of my office getting some fresh air, when both of those vintage bombers flew overhead, on their way to Tacoma Narrows Airport. Just like you, I felt it was a sign of some kind.
My deepest condolences for your mother’s passing. She and your dad were stalwart members of our community, and you truly honor their legacy of journalism.
Dear Ben,
my condolences to you and your family. Losing one’s mother is hard – you lost yours in an extremely tough way.
I had the good luck to coincidentally meet her at a “Magic Night at the Wagon Shop” in Steilacoom about five or six years ago. She was such a lady, and she was proud of you. I’m sure she’d be even prouder to see the way you celebrate her life with this beautiful tribute to her. How you keep her and your father’s legacy and have created a community of readers who eagerly await your medium every day. That is a gift for which all three of you will always be cherished by us.
May your heart heal over time as well as it can. And may your mother rest in peace.
I had a chance to see a WW2 bomber and the gunner seats up close during restoration at Boeing’s Plant 2 in Seattle, and it was a thought-provoking experience knowing the traumatic history that one example represented. Your own mindfulness was beautifully expressed. Thank you for sharing.
Ben, thank you for sharing this wonderful and moving piece on the journey and most importantly on Mom. She will be missed by everyone she came in contact with and loved by all.
Ben:
What a beautiful story. You were right where your Mom wanted you to be when she passed. She would have been so proud and happy. Dementia is such a difficult and sad thing to witness, as I am doing with my husband. And, yes, health care directives are so very critical to have. It brings peace to the family knowing they did what the patient wanted. Your Mom may not be here any longer, but she will be with you forever. Keep her close.
Ben, your mom would be so proud of you for this stellar tribute that you’ve written about her, just as I’m sure she was immensely proud of you throughout her life. I remember when your father passed away. I’m sorry that your mother is gone now, too. But there is no doubt she lives on in you! What a rich family history you’ve been blessed with! May you be comforted with a lifetime of memories… And a scoop of vanilla ice cream sounds really good right now, too.
My wife and I sat down with her folks and their attorney one day, and let them talk about their final wishes. The folks were quite elderly but still fully comprehending and lucid. The conversation was about their health care, their feelings about heroic measures for prolonging their life, and dispositions of their possessions – who should get what, or charitable contributions. They are down to earth people, so the conversation was matter-of-fact, and the attorney captured their wishes on paper so that their will could be documented, and the official papers (Advanced Care Directives, Power of Attorney, etc.) properly signed off and witnessed. To make a longer story short, this was their greatest gift to us. Years later, there WAS a decision required of us whether or not to unplug one of them and ‘let them go’ in the hospital. As hard as it was, we have solace in that it was THEIR decision that we honored. When the time came, we faithfully executed their wishes, knowing we did what they requested and taking the responsibility off of us for other hard decisions.
We later paid that gift forward by inviting our (adult) children to join us with our attorney – and we did the same as our final gift to them. We know there will be no bickering or indecision – our will was made clear legally and on paper, but maybe more importantly, they got to HEAR our instructions to the attorney so that they understood the intent or context of our decisions and have peace with it. There was quite a bit we can delegate to our attorney to perform if we are incapable or have passed on. Rather than delegating to a next-of-kin, we took some of the burden off our family, and we left those instructions. For our children that didn’t have a preference for ‘who gets what’ our attorney is instructed to liquidate our estate and divide the proceeds evenly, writing a check to each child. No squabbles, no worries.
With love.
Prayers for Gods comfort for you and your family thru this sad time. Things like this are never easy, but God gets us though it a step at a time. And you can be comforted that she is no longer suffering.
Ben: Thank you for sharing this tribute to your Mom a great lady. She was very proud of you for all your service to the community. Your tribute gives us all that pause we sometimes need to focus on what really matters.
Your story is like warm sunlight shining on everyone. How nice to read this and not the sneers and acrimony expressed by some. Thank you.
Ben, my deepest sympathy. What a nice tribute.
Dementia is cruel to its host but also its witnesses. It is an awful thing to have the memory and impression of a person eroded as the disease takes hold. I’m sorry that your mom, and you, endured that.
But how special to soar above the Sound in a Superfortress, a miracle made possible by your mom. What a way to commemorate her influence on you than to seize an opportunity to cast a fond, durable memory as your final experience with her.
I am sorry for your loss, and grateful you enjoyed such a fond farewell.
I love that you and your mother ascended to the heavens together in order to connect with a past that made your own future(s) possible. I honor your tears as tribute to your love and your awareness of the empty places that life, love, and obligation used to fill. You are a good son and your being has made my life better. May your mother enjoy her her rest in the divine mystery that unites us all.
Ben
What a nice tribute to your Mom and great pic of you two. Your parents were a great asset to the community.
Take care. Bill and Gwen
I’m so very sorry for your loss, Ben. Thank you for writing this lovely tribute to the process of helping our parents take that step. So many of us have been and will be there.
Mary Lou was one of the most positive people I have ever met. I will always see her happy face with her mischievous eyes proudly sharing the story of the pink stripe in her hair that she and your oldest daughter had done together. Her extensive community may have lost her physical presence but our memories of her shine. My condolences to you and your family.
Ben,
Your story brought back many memories of military aircraft that I ascended with, then descended under canopy with my paratrooper buddies.
It also reminded me of the time my siblings and I flew back to Nebraska from the various states in which we live, to be with my mom as she removed my father from life-support, following a head-injury on the farm.
They too had a pact, to do just that for each other if such a situation were to happen.
Mom’s faith was strong then as it is now, some 24 years later, living alone in her house on the family farm, surrounded by gardens and projects, waiting to join dad.
I just returned from a visit and she was, as always, the perfect hostess.
Mom also has an agreement with her adult children, that she not remain on life-support, in the case she cannot communicate for herself.
A mother’s faith and commitment to it, is a thing that makes everything around it better.
Ben,
What a tribute to your mom and though your ride started with news of your moms passing – I visualize her spirit flying by you smiling ear to ear as she went to meet Jesus and your dad! What a legacy for you and I’m sure you filled their hearts with pride as you continued what they started! Your mom was always kind and complimentary- a true lady! Prayers for you Deb and the kids as you move forward remembering in spirit your mom!
Ben,
You clearly know me as a man of words. That being the case, I am going to choose to be a man of few words by simply saying amen to all the kind and loving words that precede my comment in the 18 comments above.
I crossed paths with your mother and father decades before you became an adult. I personally know that what others are saying about the Sclair family is true.
The Sclairs including your father, mother, you and the entire clan make our world a better place.
B-29. That was a great place to say goodby to your mom.
Joseph Boyle