Submitted by Greg Alderete.
Good evening, America! You’ve tuned into a very special edition of “The Daily Show,” because tonight, we’re diving deep into the most American institution of them all — healthcare. That’s right, folks. If you’ve ever thought the words, “I’m feeling sick, let’s call my insurance company and see if they can help me,” well, you’re not just patriotic, you’re practically a founding father.
Now, you might be thinking, “Wait, aren’t we supposed to have universal healthcare like every other first-world country?” And to that, I say, “Sssshhh, that’s just ‘socialist talk.’” We’re a special kind of country, one where we do things the American way: for-profit, after-market, with a side of bureaucracy. That’s what made this country great — and that’s what’s going to keep it great, whether your insurance covers the surgery or not.
Let’s start with the most American part of our healthcare system: the deductible. Ah yes, the deductible. That sacred number, that financial cliff you must climb before your insurance even considers covering anything. It’s like a hidden treasure chest that only opens if you have no actual medical needs but you’ve been paying for insurance long enough to hit it. If you’re lucky, you might get a 20% discount on your next MRI after you’ve dropped the equivalent of a mid-level sports car on premiums.
Think of the deductible like the American Dream: It’s a myth, but it motivates you to keep pushing until you’ve spent 20 years just trying to afford your first basic check-up. And if you’re lucky, you’ll get there just in time to die from an untreated chronic condition. Now that’s efficiency, folks.
And who could forget the ever-complicated formulary, the list of drugs your insurance will maybe cover? The formulary is like a treasure hunt, only instead of a map, you get a 47-page document written in legalese. You go to the pharmacy, hand over your prescription, and the pharmacist looks at you with a face that says, “Oh, you think you’re getting that? Well, maybe next year… if you’re lucky, or if you meet the right deductible. And who knows? By then, we might have a generic… maybe.”
Speaking of luck, let’s talk about pre-authorization. This is where your insurance company has to “approve” that you actually need a procedure. It’s like the insurance company is your mom, except it’s not a loving relationship. It’s more like that moment when you ask if you can borrow the car for a date, and she responds with, “Well, let’s check your grades, and if the weather’s good, maybe we’ll consider it.” And even if you’re dying, well, if you didn’t fill out that form in triplicate, tough luck. Can’t get approved until next Tuesday.
But hey, if you’re in urgent need, don’t worry. Our system is so advanced that instead of just getting medical help, you get the added bonus of a mystery bill from every single person involved in your care. There’s the anesthesiologist, the surgeon, the nurse, the janitor who just happened to be near your room — everybody wants a piece of the pie. And the best part? You won’t know how much you owe until months later when the debt collectors start calling. It’s like a game of “Guess How Much You Owe” — except there are no winners, just a whole lot of stress and bankruptcy.
And let’s not forget about the marvel that is out-of-network care. It’s like a blind date where you think you’re meeting someone in your neighborhood, but when you show up, it’s actually a guy from another state who’s been told he has to charge you twice as much to keep the lights on in his office. He’s not a “bad guy,” he’s just… doing his part to make America even greater — by giving your wallet a workout it didn’t ask for.
But here’s the silver lining, folks. In the US, every health insurance crisis is an opportunity for an American entrepreneur. The true innovators of our time are those medical billing consultants who help you figure out why you owe a $13,000 bill for a 10-minute consultation. These people are the real heroes. They’ll sift through your mountains of paperwork like a wizard searching for an ancient artifact, just to make sure the $3,000 you’re being charged for a band-aid is, in fact, a justifiable mistake. They’re the Sherlock Holmes of health finance. Except instead of a magnifying glass, they use a calculator and a few more grey hairs.
But really, isn’t all of this what makes America great? The thrill of the chase? The joy of “surviving” a medical emergency, only to find out that your treatment was covered in a way that could only be compared to a 1980s arcade game? In America, you don’t just get healthcare, you get adventure. Every doctor’s visit is a new quest, full of suspense, hidden fees, and occasional heartbreak.
So let’s raise a glass to the insurance industry, folks. For it’s not just about healthcare. It’s about keeping us all on our toes. It’s about competition. It’s about making sure that, even if we die trying, we’ll at least die with a complex understanding of medical billing codes.
Goodnight, America! Stay insured… and confused!
Love the satire- but jokes aside this is why I support organizations like Whole Washington working to create a single payer system in our state. While you’ve described many of the worst aspects, for-profit health insurance is such a clown car of evil that we’ll be surprised til the day we die about what either terrible scams they can fit in there.
Last week (12/5/24), a gunman shot and killed United Health Care’s (UHC) CEO Brian Thompson in broad daylight in mid-Manhattan. UNC is the largest U.S. Health Care Insurer (HCI), providing benefits to tens of millions of Americans (who pay more for healthcare than people in any other country).
While the authorities say the suspect’s motives are unknown, many see the practices associated in peoples’ minds with the victim’s company as rapacious, and a motivation for the shooting. Accordingly, there has been some sympathy for the gunman. Based on the frequent news stories describing horror stories of people denied reimbursement for or access to medical care, there is little doubt the general public sees UHC as unfairly raking in millions, if not billions, while finding ways to restrict benefits or unfairly charge people, some who are in extremis. In some reports, under the tutelage of Mr. Thompson, United’s rejection of claims went from 11% to 24%.
Could a murderous act against an executive of a Company that seemingly cares little for the lives it adversely affects, mark a pivot-point in the life-cycle of vulture capitalism? Seeing their vulnerability, and as more consumers of medical services realize they will not receive justice or be made whole by the regulatory mechanisms of the State, will more choose violence? HCIs are taking no chances. No longer protected by anonymity or assured safety within the glass towers of Corporate America, it has been reported that many companies, some with questionable consumer practices, are taking measures to protect their executives. Previously prized corner offices may no longer be desirable.
Cooler heads will caution that extrajudicial murder is in no one’s interest and invites chaos. But history tells us that when the masses no longer feel protected by government, such acts, if not revolution itself, become more likely. The coming years, bringing with it an authoritarian and revenge-minded President, will not only further test civilians’ patience, but may more easily justify revenge tactics in the public’s mind. And, that is a prescription for more of these kinds of acts.
Authorities are already concerned about copycat acts. And signs have shown up repeating the alleged killers mantra, “Delay, Deny, Depose,” describing anger at Health Insurance Companies’ tactics for avoiding claims payment. In one case, a woman was reported to have threatened an HCI representative using the same language. The 42 year-old married mother of three with no criminal history, frustrated with the denial of service response from her HCI, made the threat over the phone. She had no idea to whom she was talking or where that person was located, and did not own a gun. She could not conceivably be considered an imminent threat of any kind. Nevertheless, the Court charged her with threats to conduct a mass shooting or act of terrorism, booked her in jail and set her bail at 100K. If convicted, she could be sentenced to as much as 15 years in jail.
There are many ways to destroy a person’s life: you can deny health care (leading in some cases to a drawn out painful existence before succumbing); you can deny reimbursement for medical expenses throwing individuals and families into penury (leading to family dissolution, desperation and even suicide); you can unfairly treat a frustrated citizen, deprive them of their liberty and destroy their family; or, you can shoot someone in the back. So far, what we are seeing are only sporadic acts of anger and frustration, and the State’s heavy-handed response in hope of effective deterrence.
For now, it looks like the Revolution will have to wait.
Everything said supports the argument favoring a single pay health system! 👍
I know a lot of older people who all experiance many difficulties because of insurance companies and through their experiances know the insurance companies do not put themselves in the insured’s shoes. They don’t care about the insured. They have a different agenda than the insured has. They are constantly making changes that make the insureds insurance harder to use. Additionally, for years they have been reducing customer service more and more, making life more dificult for the customer. The pace of this keeps accellerating. They are now moving to usiing A I crap to replace customer service which actually eliminates customer service and the human element. Who wants to deal with a robot when you need customer service? NO ONE! You want someone you can talk to, have a two way conversation with. Make understand your problem and resolve it. The same kinds of things apply to our health care delivery system. It could stand a lot of improvement. I think most of people agree that 100% socialized medical would be worse, we don’t want that. Likewise, Federal regulations do not address what the consumer needs and wants. They need to take a more human role and have regulations that are responsive to the problems the consumer faces.
I am going to end here but to praise the insurance companies is like praising the Mafia for being good at being criminals. The word insurance has almost become a misnomer.