This morning I thought I would write a fascinating column comparing Donald Trump and Joe Biden. Not long after beginning my first draft, I became acutely aware my readers already suffer from an overdose of daily news on this very topic.
Having scrapped Joe and Donald, I am left to ponder, “What shall I write about?”
I know. I will write about a brand new issue that begs a burning question of paramount concern to society at large. This issue is so fresh, you will not have seen it on the news.
It must be reassuring to know you can always depend on a Ben Sclair publication like The Suburban Times to bring you the news factually and firstly.
My sister, Peg, not to be confused with the famous writer, Don Doman’s Peg, has a keenly developed sense for emerging issues often overshadowed by pandemics and politics.
The photo Peg found floating on the internet is of an actual street sign that reads, “ RED SQUIRRELS DRIVE SLOWLY . The sign triggers a burning question for anyone with an elevated intellect and analytical mind.
That question is, WHY ARE RED SQUIRRELS ALLOWED TO DRIVE ANYWAY?
Joe,
America is not the place for socialism nor communism. – “Keep Out the Red Squirrel Menace!” Teach a Red Squirrel to drive today and tomorrow it will squirrel away all of your acorns. Red Squirrel cars operate on peanuts and will take away all the jobs of the Gray Squirrels. Red Squirrels can hide in every sunset, while Gray Squirrels can only hide on gray days giving the Red Squirrel an unnatural advantage. Red Squirrels are sneaking across the border from Canada . . . the home of socialized medical coverage, an advantage over our godly, sickly, work deprived Gray Squirrels. We need to put a bounty on Red Squirrels and a tariff on Red Squirrel trading partners. If you agree contact: http://www.redtailsinthesunset.US.
Don,
How clever. I tried to steer away from the subject of politics, but you successfully steered my article right back to polotics.
I might as well have written my origianal article on comparing the Tweeting habits of Donald Trump and Joe Biden.
I know it would have been of imense public interest.
Thanks for your comments, but I thought they were a little squirrelly.
Joseph Boyle
Joe,
You ask, “why are red squirrels allowed to drive?” The answer is the same for those who had their driver license suspended…because they can. Squirrels are a protected class of species and must be protected. Ha.
Protected?
Not so on the Eastern Grey Squirrel in our environs….they were intentionally imported in 1900, likely by folks from the US East Coast who missed those furry “rats”.
The GOOD squirrels:
“There are four native squirrel species in the state: the Western Gray, Douglas, Red, and Flying Squirrels. All of our native squirrels in Washington are protected by law and may not be hunted or trapped. In fact, the Western Gray Squirrel is on Washington’s list of protected species, and efforts are being taken to protect its habitat.”
The BAD squirrels:
“The non-native Eastern Gray, Eastern Fox and California Ground Squirrels are not considered desirable species. They are not protected and may be hunted if you have a valid hunting license. However, if they are live-trapped, they may not be released anywhere in the state other than on the property where they were caught.”
Boy, do I know about what follows:
“The Eastern Gray Squirrel has worked its way onto the list of the Top 100 Invasive Species of the World. Why? From a human standpoint, Eastern Gray Squirrels are a nuisance outside of their native habitat. They have been known to dig in lawns and gardens, chew on electrical wiring and power lines, gnaw holes in siding, build nests in attics and chimneys, and damage attic insulation. They are also known to steal fruit and nuts off garden trees, dig up flower bulbs, raid bird feeders, gnaw off tree twigs, eat bird eggs and young nestlings, and strip bark off trees to mark their territory or to feed on the tissues beneath.”
And, unlike Red Squirrels, there is no indication they can drive……thank goodness!
Can you imagine the damage those furry rats would cause if they had “freedom of the road”?
Source of quoted material: Tri-city Herald, Marianne Ophardt, 2 DEC 2017