Can you believe it? It is now 2020. I began writing Westside Story columns back in 2010. This probably means Publisher Ben Sclair is shuffling down to Diamond Designs Unlimited to order my diamond-studded The Suburban Times 10 year pin right now.
Writing Westside Story has been a lot of fun, but it is a huge responsibility. I do not wish to waste my reader’s time. By wasting time, I mean publishing articles readers wish they had not wasted their time reading.
It is possible for a reader to waste time and have it be a good waste of time. This happens when reading a Westside Story ends up being entertaining, educational, comical, or causes a reader to take positive action.
As a writer, I also must write and publish frequently enough. When I do not, readers ask, “When is Joe going to publish another Westside Story? Is Joe okay? Did Joe go to prison?”
To face up to my responsibilities, I am going to write a Westside Story right now. The big challenge is, what should I write about? I have to write something, but what?
[Note: Extra white space is by default. Joe could not think of anything to write about yet.]
I have an idea. I will write about duck tape, or is it duct tape? Now that brings up a sticky subject.
First, a couple of intellectual questions.
Question #1: Have you ever told someone your neighbor is an idiot because they call duct tape, duck tape?
Question #2: Have you ever told someone your neighbor is an idiot because they call duck tape, duct tape?
Not wanting to duck out on the issue, I am prepared to answer all your sticky questions. Once you internalize the free education provided in this Westside Story, your friends will undoubtedly be impressed with your newly acquired cerebral power.
Here is what you need to know about this durable cloth-backed adhesive material. It is appropriately called either duck tape or duct tape. Both idiots referenced above were correct.
Is it duck tape, or is it duct tape?
My extensive research indicates Johnson and Johnson invented the cloth-backed tape during World War II. Soldiers used the tape to wrap their ammunition cans, which were known as ammo cans. Because the tape caused moisture to run off the ammo cans like water off the back of a duck and thereby keep their powder dry, militarists called the handy product, duck tape.
After the war, another primary use for duck tape was found. Heating and air conditioning specialists wrapped the seams on heating and cooling ductwork with this tape. HVAC workers called the product duct tape.
Everyone needs a roll of duck / duct tape at home and a second roll in their car. Duck / duct tape has 1001 creative uses. Let me share some examples of my everyday uses for duck / duct tape.
You have done it again by frittering away 2 minutes and 18 seconds of your life reading one more Westside Story.
Is duct tape a good substitute for handcuffs? Will duct tape not hold finger prints? When crooks use duct tape for breaking and entering, they begin by shoplifting the tape. Lots of clever uses for the ubiquitous duct or duck tape. By the way, how did you get that stuff out of your hair? That must have hurt. Anything for a story?
That was exactly my thought, too! And getting it off the facial hair, aka beard must have been excruciatingly painful. I might have wanted to suggest duct tape for depilating legs, but not the face …
Larry,
You hit the target. For me, anything for a story.
Joseph Boyle
Enlightening! Our Dad would have liked knowing about it…?… Maybe he did, and you are channeling him?
Thanks Peg. I have long wondered where my creative stories come from. Channeling from Dad must be the source.
Joseph Boyle
You can also use duct tape to repair a gun holster and aggravate the heck of your law enforcement supervisor.
For any of you who are wondering what Jimmy is talking about, Jimmy knows.
After years of dedicated service, my holster broke. I asked for a replacement holster, as I had with success down throught the decades.
A small brain administrator said, “I am not sure we can buy you a holster because you carry your own gun, not a department issued gun.”
My reaction was, I guess since you as a block headed administrator do not want to buy me a $75 holster, I can put my personal gun on the shelf. I then ask you to provide me with a $600 department gun, plus maintenance of the firearm, and then you can buy me a $75 holster.
While I waited for the tiny thinker administrator to figure it out, I temporarily repaired my holster by wrapping it with bright blue duct tape.
A friend offered me a roll of black tape. I said, “No, I will wear the blue tape until the administrator overcomes his brain freeze. Within a week I was issued a new holster.
It was an advantages deal for the department and the taxpayers. I was provided a $75 holster. End of expense for the department and the tax payers. Out of my pocket, I provided a $600 gun for my use on department official business. I also provided the maintenance and repair of the firearm.
The bright blue duct tape did the trick in bringing attention to that which was rediculous.
Joseph Boyle
Best two minutes and 18 seconds I have wasted in a long time! Love starting my day with your articles. Thanks Joe.
Jeanette Hurlow,
Your comment is so positive and uplifting, I could put it on the jacket cover of my new book, if I ever write a book.
Thanks for your encouragement.
Joseph Boyle
Joe, if you can find the Myth Busters episode on duck/duct tape it will augment your noble uses for it.