I have no plans for the day, so to use my time wisely, I think I will answer a long term burning question by mathematically calculating how many breakfasts I have enjoyed since being born during World War II.
The answer is 27,878 breakfasts. The follow-up question to this scientific mathematical inquiry is how many breakfasts have I not enjoyed? Here is the math. 27,879 total breakfasts in my lifetime – 27,878 breakfasts I enjoyed = 1 breakfast declared not enjoyable; in fact a dismal failure as breakfasts go. My unenjoyable breakfast was this morning.
I have never had a complaint about any breakfast until today.
After the first bite, I could not finish my French toast because I absolutely did not care for the bread it was made of. It was healthy whole grain bread, but the baker must have rung all the taste out to make it healthy.
I usually love fruit, but not this morning. I did not finish the pineapple. Even though I hate to waste food, especially since learning as a little kid that some people in the world are starving, I have never been able to make myself eat yellow banana peels. I do eat the white part inside the yellow wrapper.
Based on my kitchen skills, I poured myself a bowl of cereal. I could not finish the cereal. It was like something you would feed a pig.
While I can complain about my breakfast this morning, it is only one breakfast. My wife is creative in the kitchen; almost artistic, and I love her breakfasts. One breakfast complaint is not bad when compared to the 27,878 breakfast compliments.
In order to survive after trashing my entire breakfast other than the banana, I put my Starbucks barista hat and apron on and handcrafted a tasty energy-producing cappuccino espresso beverage.
When my beverage was gone, not much time passed before I felt I was going to pass out, from having skipped breakfast. I have never missed a meal until this morning. I know I would not do well with prisoner of war camp dining.
As a guy with a commitment to Lakewood, I enjoy supporting Lakewood businesses.
Aaah, that’s my answer. My solution to my starvation is the Five Guys Burgers and Fries located at 5605 Lakewood Towne Center Boulevard SW, Lakewood, WA 98499. T: 253-582-4897 with multiple locations all over the planet.
All I had to do was open the Five Guys app on my phone, order a Full-Size Hamburger customized to my liking, and drive down to our Lakewood Towne Center to pick up my meal which would serve double duty as my breakfast and lunch.
You can see by the photo they are sending me out the door with my order in a plain unmarked bag so I can keep the epicurean contents undercover and top secret from prying eyes. As a retired cop, I know Five Guys is looking out for my safety by putting my burger in a plain brown bag.
If their collective company ego caused Five Guys to act like most business owners, they would send me out the door with a bright-red Five Guys logo emblazoned on the side of their grease-stained take-out food sack, which would make me a crime target for any hungry felon passing through the parking lot with rudimentary mugging skills.
While I had always wanted to try a Five Guys Full-Size Hamburger and compare it to their Little Hamburger, I had never done so. The Little Hamburgers have consistently been adequate for me, including being satisfied with the quality and size. I reasoned that in addition to saving money and calories, the Little Hamburgers helped me avoid becoming a part of our American obesity epidemic.
Today I could break my Little Hamburger habit because I had skipped breakfast. To me, one Full-Size burger would be okay because it was going to serve as both my breakfast and lunch. My wife tells me I am highly adept at rationalizing anything.
In an effort to live up to my promise to my readers with my title, here is my second complaint.
While I was enthusiastic about my Five Guys plan, I experienced some angst as I contemplated placing my online order using my smartphone. The last time I placed an order, back in June, the site was not user-friendly, and it produced enough frustration to cause a person to lose their appetite. This is my Five Guys complaint.
Upon my arrival at Five Guys, a nice woman with a friendly smile offered to help me.
I said, “Before we get to my order, I want to register a complaint. The last time I used the Five Guys online order site, it was not user-friendly.”
My next words were, “ Before we talk more about my complaint, I just discovered 15 minutes ago that I now have a compliment to replace my complaint. Five Guys has changed, updated, corrected, and improved their online order site. It is fantastic. It is now user-friendly.”
Get set. This is the part of my column where I try to be more Don Doman-like by providing a restaurant review. I will not be able to include any of his wife, Peg’s, observations though. After all, you know me. I am not a guy who just makes stuff up.
If you have never been to Five Guys and are hankering for some excellent fast food, I would like to share my observations.
- The Five Guys online computer and smartphone app is spectacular and user friendly. I am the ultimate test. I am closer to 80 than 70 and because I can easily work the site, that means anyone can work the site.
- The food is fresh and tasty and customized to meet each customer’s preferences.
- Customers get to draw their own custom beverages from a fancy sophisticated drink machine which offers options not found everywhere.
- The Five Guys has a large dining-room which is handy if you are on the run or passing through. I do not particularly care for the dining-room mainly because I like my quieter environment at home.
- Five Guys has a giant box of free peanuts. Grab a hand full while you wait and start cracking some peanut shells.
- If you order fries, they fill your fry container and then toss in a giant pile of additional fries until they spill all over the bottom of your take-out food sack.
- For us a perfect order is two Little Hamburgers, one order of small fries. There are always plenty of fries to share. Sometimes we skip the fries. On occasion we will add a milkshake or a soda.
- The Five Guys larger Full-Size Hamburger was tasty and included two meat patties, which was an unnecessary surprise for me.
Now that I have tried it, I just betcha I will return to ordering the Little Hamburgers to save, calories, money, and weight gain. If you can get away with eating bigger, you may enjoy the Full-Size Hamburger but I recommend you try the Little Hamburgers first to see if they might prove to be an adequate amount of food. They are plenty for us.
Larry King says
Joe, I am familiar with your culinary skills, or lack thereof. Many, many years ago you came to my apartment for a study session. I volunteered to make tuna fish sandwiches for lunch. You assumed I would just dump the the tuna out of the can onto the bread as you would have done. My, were you surprised when I mixed it with mayonnaise. Fun times.
Dieter Mielimonka says
Your eloquently expressed enthusiasm is temptingly contagious but is not shared by the undersigned nor possibly by some others.
But, as the old Romans said millenia ago :” Suum cuique. “