I am not bragging, but I can truthfully say I have enjoyed over 75 divorce free years. The first 23 divorce free years were a snap because I was not married. I admit it became more challenging after I married my first wife, with whom I am still married. People frequently ask, “How do you two stay happily married to the same person for over 53 years?
Today’s column is my benevolent answer to that question in which I generously share just one of my secret tips for maintaining long term marital bliss along with 4 actual real life examples.
When you learn what I have done to create a happy marriage lasting over five decades, you will be saying to yourself, “This guy is a genius.”
For me, avoiding divorce has been so easy and can be summed up with one word, APPLIANCES.
Avoid Divorce Helpful Example #1: Even though I still show signs of having inherited from my parents the negative impact of the Great Depression of 1929, money is no object when it comes to supplying my wife with major appliances she claims to need as she serves as the commander of our kitchen.
An excellent recent example of my practicing what I preach is my purchase just this week of a brand new BBQ grill from Gary Strom down at Rich’s – For The Home Store located at 6626 Tacoma Mall Boulevard, Tacoma, Washington 98409. T: 253-284-3740.
My purchase is proof positive that I make it a magnanimous practice to purchase a brand new natural gas BBQ grill for my wife approximately every 50 years like clockwork. I am obviously not cheap because I follow through every 50 years or so. I never miss. It is this kind of materialistic tradition that creates a strong bond between a couple.
I purchased our first grill 52 years ago for $25 from the Washington Natural Gas Company used appliance floor. That averages out to 48 cents a year for gas grill ownership. Now you have to admit that 48 cents a year is a Great Depression of 1929 kind of money management achievement. How many other people do you know who have used the same BBQ grill for over 50 years?
It was my original goal to get my average yearly BBQ grill cost down to 36 cents per year, but I realized that while our BBQ is still functional, a 50-year-old BBQ grill could fail at any moment creating a gas leak followed by an explosion quickly felt throughout Lakewood. It would be a toss-up as to if the explosion, house fire, or Lakewood neighborhood carnage would top the news.
My other concern relates to my desire to not damage my father-daughter relationship. You see, my daughter’s husband is known far and wide across this great country of ours as the Grill-Master from the East Coast. If my grill explodes, my son-in-law might not be found until the search party reached the border of Tillicum. Having anything to do with making my daughter an early widow is the kind of circumstance a good dad wants to avoid. Buying a new gas grill to save my son-in-law’s life is a small price to pay to maintain a perfect father-daughter relationship.
The BBQ Spinner worked great for several decades until our cat tried to eat a chicken we were grilling, resulting in the cat’s tail becoming wrapped around the Spinner. It is easy to understand how we lost our appetite when, to my surprise, I opened the grill top and found both a chicken and a cat on the BBQ Spinner.
Avoid Divorce Helpful Example #2: Throwing caution to the wind, about six months ago, I surprised my wife by purchasing her a new refrigerator to replace the icebox we bought used when we were first married. Notice that even in the early days of our marriage, I always provided her with the best. Our first icebox was a fancy deluxe two door known as the French door model.
Avoid Divorce Example #3: Because I am retired and on a fixed income, I will have to save up my Obama stimulus funds (often referred to as Social Security) before I make my next move which is replacing my wife’s wringer washing machine.
Avoid Divorce Example #4: Who knows? To earn some high-value husband points, I might bring home a Vitamix. As a second generation survivor of the Great Depression of 1929, I feel compelled to research pricing and features between the two options I have in mind, but right now, I am leaning towards Option 2.
If you have read this far I would like to gift you a bonus tip at no extra cost to you.
Avoid Divorce Helpful Example #5: If you desire to enjoy a long, happy, divorce free marriage, resist, with all your might, trying to be funny at home by using your toe to copy the old meat butcher’s thumb on the scale trick.
If you heed my tips, your wife may one day compliment you by telling you she recognizes your ability to make marriage feel like it is never going to end.