Westside Story – Boyle Forced Out Of Lakewood City Council Race

Today’s news brings sad news.

A loyal 50-year resident of the City of Lakewood, Joe Boyle, who had been recruited by a popular landslide proportion of Lakewood’s citizenry to run for the upcoming seat being vacated by the Honorable and dedicated Lakewood City Councilwoman, Marie Barth, has announced this afternoon he is dropping out of the race.

Joe’s announcement created an immense public hue and cry of “Why, Joe? Why?”

An allegation surfaced that 60 years ago Joe, a freshman in high school, painted himself up with brown shoe polish for a brown-face Mr. Potato Head contest stunt.

It does not seem to matter that the brown-face stunt happened all the way back in 1959 which was in the previous century. Joe, who was only 16 at the time, caught no slack even though he won first prize capturing a free 100-pound gunny sack full of potatoes. Oops, I hope my use of the two words, gunny and sack do not get me in as much trouble like the last time I used them.

Approaching 70 years ago in 1950, a young kid named Drew started first grade with Joe. While Joe did not know it, Drew has been gunning for Joe for decades. Drew finally spotted an opportunity to knock Joe down a peg and seized his chance.

Drew, who Joe had always considered to be a pal, sent the press a page from their high school yearbook showing Joe in brown-face with a cryptic note, “Joe’s political career is over. Bummer”

At first, Joe, using a typical politician move, categorically denied that the brown-face character was even him. Have you ever noticed that politicians never simply deny troublesome accusations? They always categorically deny charges and then bark something like, “A full investigation will prove me innocent of all trumped-up charges.” Our president denies trumped-up Trump charges every day.

When it was pointed out to Joe that the photo showed his shifty, beady eyes under his standard stylish hat, Joe, in a real political fashion for someone in the hot-seat, told the press, “That can’t be me. I never attended high school.

At first, Joe gave a lot of push back with strong statements telling his future constituents he was innocent and would not be bullied and forced out of the race by unconfirmed false allegations which he categorized as fake news.

Readers have to ask themselves; Is Joe guilty of brown-face or is this just another case of a spoiler trying to ruin a pillar in our community with mudslinging?

Apparently pressure mounted within the two-party system. Members from both parties on each side of the aisle urged Joe to drop out of the race to avoid the controversy which predictably would follow. When I reference the two-party system, I am not talking about Democrats and Republicans. I am talking about the Birthday Party and the Retirement Party where Manhattans were served in abundance to clear the politician’s heads as a part of their normal decision-making process.

Three protestors blocking pedestrian sidewalk traffic outside The Suburban Times headquarters chanted, “Hey Joe, you got to go!” and “Don’t be a dope and split the vote.”

Late this afternoon, Joe, during a press conference held at The Suburban Times Headquarters #1***, announced, “In the best interest of my family and our community I am withdrawing from what has erroneously become a controversial candidacy for Lakewood City Council.

Simultaneously, Joe announced plans to use his newly found free time to compete in the 2020 Mr. Potato Head Contest – Senior Division.

***(Reader’s Note: While The City of Lakewood hosts The Suburban Times headquarters Office #1 on the West Coast, Publisher Ben Sclair has no announced plans to open a Suburban Times Headquarters Office #2 on the East Coast in Long Island City, New York.

Mr. Sclair has labeled reports of meetings between him, Andrew Cuomo, Governor of New York, and Mayor de Blasio to be pure fantasy.