NOTE TO READERS: All names printed in this story have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty. I say innocent and guilty because, well based on the news; you never know.
I am confident my kids, who are woven into my story, are in the innocent group because neither of them has done any hard prison time.
Any similarity between the names in this story and those of real people from your community is purely coincidental.
OFFICIAL STORY STARTS HERE:
I received a call from my daughter, Polly Graf, out on the Right Coast mentioning she and her husband, Fast Eddie, were having trouble with their modern-day Breville coffee grinder.
Back when my wife and I were fulfilling our role as kids (Kids = like in our 40s) I remember not wanting our parents to target us with unsolicited advice. Accordingly, I really try not to give our kids unsolicited advice. Sometimes, because I am a 75-year-old parent and equally as old as a father-in-law, I cannot help but give our kids, (Kids = like in their 40s), a heavy dose of my ideas and opinions.
So after hearing about Polly’s coffee grinder complaint, I launched forward with some unsolicited advice in my effort to be a helpful hero to my kids.
My advice was the next time their Breville coffee grinder gives them the least bit of trouble, they should dump it off at the Goodwill. Next, they should get themselves a dependable coffee grinder as if their great grandparents were giving them unsolicited advice. The coffee grinder their great grandparents would have suggested in the previous century or perhaps the century before that would have been perfect.
I suggested a coffee grinder they could be historically proud of. This coffee grinder will never let Polly and Fast Eddie down.
What a conversation starter this new grinder will be for those times when they entertain their more discriminating guests.
If Polly and Fast Eddie follow my advice, I would love to see where they make room on their kitchen counter to install their new coffee grinder.
Polly wrote back thanking me for my unsolicited advice and to inform me they plan to get rid of their kitchen sink to create a spot for the new coffee grinder.
Polly and Fast Eddie are making a perfectly genius move until of course, they try to sell their house with bank financing without a kitchen sink. When they decide to sell, I would just list the property as a custom home which should take care of the missing kitchen sink problem.
It should be evident to all that Polly Graf and Fast Eddie are a couple of hip confident individuals who readily recognize that coffee is more important than a kitchen sink.
Polly pointed out that eliminating the kitchen sink will work in their case because they have running water in an upstairs bathtub they can use to wash dishes.
Of course, I will train Fast Eddie on the best speeds for grinding beans for pour-overs and what speeds to use for espresso.
One of the benefits of this coffee grinder is if one grinds and drinks enough coffee each day, they will be able to cut the time spent in the gym. After two or more cups of coffee, they will have already had an upper body workout.
My daughter and son-in-law were gracious about accepting my unsolicited advice. So, I gave them more unsolicited advice.
I said to Polly and Fast Eddie, “Why not promote a thematic retro look throughout your custom kitchen?” Don’t waste money on an expensive modern Cuisinart, like a millennial would do if they had the money.
Instead, grind all the food you want with a classic Enterprise Model 602 “Made in the USA” hand food grinder.
When Polly Graf gets back to me regarding my latest unsolicited food grinder suggestion, I think that will be an opportune time to advise Polly and Fast Eddie on what kind of coffee beans I recommend for their new coffee grinder.
I wonder why Polly Graf has not called me back yet?
Joseph Boyle says
Westside Story Readers,
While I hope you had fun reading today’s column, I have to admit I am feeling the need to share the fact that inspite of how I depicted the Breville coffee grinder in my story, if you want to know the truth, we love our Breville coffee grinders.
While occasionally there can be issues with the grinder, with research, knowledge, and care, any problems are easily overcome by the coffee grinder owner. We have found that on the rare occasion there might be a problem, servicing and properly cleaning the machine at home is easily accomplished and very effective.
We love our Breville coffee grinders.
Susanne Bacon says
Not such bad advice, dear Joe, though I had to chuckle, of course. I do have my grandmother’s coffee grinder that she used for grinding grain for baking and acorns for ersatz-coffee during and shortly after WW II. Unsolicited advice: Keep old kitchen utensils – they might come in handy when there is a catastrophe looming such as the Big One. And I hope to secure the out and out steel grinder of my mother’s sometime before it gets tossed – it might really come in handy with small scale sausage making or grinding nuts for cakes.
P Rose says
New is not necessarily better, it is just different.
Why don’tcha buy already ground coffee such as Jacobs ? Jeez…?
Joseph Boyle says
I realize as you try to grind me down, you are doing so for my own good.
Your idea is a good one. We, who have coffee grinders, have an obvious problem. We are coffee purists who hate to negatively impact on bean freshness. We love removing a single scoop of coffee beans from a hermetically sealed coffee bean canister where air is forced away from the beans and is not allowed back in.
Then we grind just enough beans for 1 or 2 cups of tasty adult espresso. Emm, Emm good. I know we coffee grinder types are on the extreme end of the coffee consuming continuum. Perhaps we need a 12 step program.
I realize if I was able to implement your suggestion, the extra time and money I would gain would allow me to complete a correspondence course in small engine repair.
Thanks for the tip.