The Suburban Times

A community bulletin board for Western Pierce County.

Westside Story – Tacoma Tests Trump Border Wall

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This story is being told in the 3rd person. It is like Joe Boyle went to Topside Coffee Cabin (TCC) in Steilacoom and interviewed Joe Boyle and then wrote a story about another guy, who is, in actuality, Joe Boyle. 

Based on archived 1998 CIA reports, President Donald Trump learned that Lakewood resident, Joe Boyle, crossed the US / Mexican border twice 21 years ago to spend time in Tijuana.

Before spending $5,000,000,000.00, on the wall, President Trump asked Joe to serve our nation by participating in a US – Mexican border wall test in Tacoma, Washington. If built, The Trump Wall will become more famous than The Great Wall of China and the Berlin Wall.

Back in 1998, Joe’s purpose for visiting Mexico was to explore the Tijuana made famous in books and movies.

Souvenir hat serves as physical evidence that Joe Boyle crossed into Tijuana, Mexico.

While in Tijuana Joe wisely said No to the men crouched in the covered doorways of the dimly lit bars as they tried to hawk south-of-the-border goods and services. The only souvenir Joe brought home was the Tijuana hat. 

A few short hours in Tijuana motivated Joe to return to the US as soon as possible. Once he passed through the US border check, he experienced a most unusual desire to kneel down and kiss the US soil. Life is different depending on which side of the border one spends their time.

Construction of border test wall located in secret location 13 miles north of Lakewood City Hall. The CIA asked Joe not to disclose the location of the test wall, but Joe can’t keep a secret if there is an opportunity to punch up a Westside Story. A three-word hint is Tacoma Tide Flats.

During Joe’s dramatic pretend effort to return to a make-believe Tijuana on the other side of the test wall, President Trump was pleased when Joe, even with the help of a massive concrete block, was not able to make it over the top. The national security wall test site clearly demonstrated how Joe could be prevented from entering Mexico. 

Of course, Joe is now pushing towards 80 which obviously makes wall climbing more difficult when compared to Joe’s first border crossing at age 55. 

To engineer Trump’s desired end result President Trump did not allow Joe to do any creative problem solving as he made his feeble attempt to climb over the wall.

President Trump reasoned that if he could clearly demonstrate that Joe can’t get over the slippery, tall, wall, the wall should work from either side thereby preventing illegal aliens from causing problems in America such as increasing the length of the lines at Starbucks.

Faithful Westside Story readers will not want to miss a golden opportunity being created by President Trump’s plan to build the big wall. To get in on the ground floor as a silent partner of Joe’s soon to be launched internet business called Grappling Hooks R-Us, complete the 3 simple steps below: 

STEP 1: Carefully review the Grappling Hooks R-Us R & D Department (Research & Development Department) video by clicking the Link Grappling Hooks R-Us. 

After watching a couple of trespassing, inconsiderate, deceptive, sneaky punk teenagers goofing off by using a grappling hook to climb the wall at their public library, stop and think. Is President Trump’s $5 billion wall going to prevent illegal aliens, who are desperate to improve their lives, from entering the United States? The aliens are not goofing off. They are serious. So much so, they will go over the wall, under the wall or through the wall. What else could we do with $5,000,000,000.00 to protect our borders?

STEP 2: Send $25,000 cash to Joe Boyle in a plain brown envelope with no return address or identifying markings. 

STEP 3: After allowing enough time for the investment funds to arrive, call Joe to confirm your desire to become a silent partner by reporting the serial numbers on each bill submitted. With no paper trail, a business partnership based on Joe’s classic smile and handshake agreement is not only going to restore faith in humanity, but it is also nothing the IRS needs to know about. 

All that needs to be done once a reader achieves silent partner status is to wait for President Trump to build the wall, followed by thousands of online orders that will flow into Grappling Hooks R-Us. To be competitive, Grappling Hooks R-Us guarantees free 2-day shipping to all our customers in Mexico.

Once the $5,000,000,000.00 wall is built, sales of grappling hooks will soar. To become wealthier then ever dreamed possible, complete the 3-step partnership agreement right away.

Joe’s company motto is, Build The Trump Wall To Make Joe And His Silent Partners Great Again.

Disclosure: Joe’s credible wall climbing expertise is based on two historical facts.

  1. Back in 1965, Joe, while on a dead run (No pun intended) vaulted over an 8’ cyclone freeway fence with 3 strands of barb wire when five Chicago thugs tried to kill him.
  2. Joe proved his wall climbing skill once again while attending and passing the 1990 Washington State Police Academy. The academy was never able to present a wall Joe could not climb.

The excitement at Grappling Hooks R-Us is building because on April Fool’s Day 2019, Dr. Melvin R. Van Iderstein, company in-house inventor / physicist, will debut a new handheld cannon capable of shooting grappling hooks to the top of tall security walls.

Comments

  1. Joe,
    I just read your article twice and am still grappling with the possibilities . . . and the image of you vaulting the cyclone fence ahead of the Chicago Thugs (wasn’t that the original name of their NBA team). I have several friends I would like to email your article to, but my friends are rabid supporters of Too Tall Wall Trump and I am afraid they might take exception to your comments. I like your ideas (my check’s in the mail), especially the cannon to shoot the hook up and over . . . you might enlist the NRA as a supporter for your ideas.
    As always . . . Don

  2. Where there’s a will there is a way. Or paraphrasing, where there is a wall there is a way. Thanks for my morning laugh.

    • Ms. Campion,

      “Where there is a wall, there is a way.”

      Thank you so much for your addition of yet another element of humor to my article. Had our circumstances allowed you to give me that line before we published my writing, I would have included it for certain; maybe as the headline even. I do have major fun with my headlines.

      “Where there is a wall, there is a way.” I love it!

      Thank you,

      Joseph Boyle

  3. I am overwhallmed by your article, Joe. Lots of laughs today!!

    Signed, “Walled In in Lakewood.”

    • Ms. Lownie,

      Thank you for recognizing my humor. I do love to give people the opportunity to have a good clean laugh, because with all the negative in this world, laughter, as they say, is good medicine.

      Joseph Boyle

  4. I must admit a grappling hook is much more portable than my idea – a simple ladder. For those who are convinced a wall will effective in keeping out illegals, drugs, etc. I offer two words – Maginot Line. Google it.

  5. And all it takes is a swift kick to knock in your front door but I’ll bet you lock it anyway. Walls work as do deliberate breaks in a wall to channelize the flow of people, drugs, criminals…..and armies. Take it from a retired US Army officer having served with an Engineer Brigade in Central Europe (1972-1975) that barriers can work as part of a comprehensive system not only to stem the flow of invasion/immigration but also concentrate what’s left into zones where it becomes much more manageable. Actually the Maginot Line worked…..it was the French who did not have a plan to concentrate their mobile forces beyond the Line to deal with mobile German forces that were channelized and invaded around the wall through the Ardennes which was lightly defended. I suggest you read more about the Maginot Line: it’s purpose was not to prevent the invasion of France but rather force the Germans to attack around it on the flank formed by the Low Countries……..which the British and French were not sufficiently prepared to deal with.

    • Added….and I’ll bet that many people have a camera outside their locked front door, a link to an alarm with sensors on the door and windows, a link to their cell phone, a link to the police department, and a .38 Special somewhere readily available in the house should the need arise. Point is the invader most likely isn’t going to bore a hole in the wall to get in although they could do so. Rather they are going for the “soft spots”, breaks in the wall formed by doors and windows, which if properly protected channelize the intruder into their zones protected by other means. However, without the physical barriers posed by the structure’s walls, doors and windows don’t exist. It’s easy to go around walls is it? Haaa! It’s even easier if the only thing you have are open spaces surrounding doors and windows.

    • I have read a bit about the Maginot Line. I’ll agree the Line itself was technically a success – the Germans did not cross it. And the intent was indeed to force the Germans through the forests of the Ardennes. The failure is in the French believing that it was impossible the Germans could invade through those forests, and not preparing for the alternative. Which is exactly what happened.

      Which is my point. Just like a determined criminal could get through a locked door, a determined terrorist or illegal immigrant will get around a wall. The belief that a wall will solve our border problems is misplaced.

      My real issue with a border wall/fence, whatever, is the cost-effectiveness of it. We are talking much, much more than $5B to build a barrier across entire the southern US border and then monitor it. Illegal immigrants, drugs, and terrorists will still find their way into the country, because they already are coming in through other areas – Ports of Entry, airports, harbors, Canada, etc. Heck, fentanyl, the latest drug of choice, is being mailed in from China!

      • So it is agreed that walls work but that ancillary measures are necessary to ensure the wall’s effectiveness. However, the ancillary measures depend upon a wall as the basis for their effectiveness. You can’t have one without the other! I don’t think Trump is betting the farm on a wall alone but rather understands that it is the anchor for any cross border security system. Certainly there are other openings for illegal activities as you mentioned that need to be addressed. But for the specific issue of cross border control a wall is needed. Another consideration is that once in place, a wall becomes less of a political issue while many of the other ancillary measures could be held hostage to new administration priorities and funding.

        • I agree on the effectiveness issues related to the wall. I probably should have led with this, but the other issue is the actual need for a wall. I don’t believe the border “crisis” is that severe, or at least severe enough to merit the excessive expenditure of the wall. But that’s a discussion for another day.

          I already feel a bit bad for hijacking Joe’s column, which was clearly meant to add a bit of levity to the situation. For the record I do love “where there’s a wall there’s a way” – wish I’d thought of it.

  6. Joe, did you want the plain brown enveloped addressed to you at the Tijuana Jail? As in “Ain’t got no friends to do my bail…just send my mail to the Tijuana Jail.”

  7. Don Doman, Joan Campion, Jackie Lownie, Gary Turney, John Arbeeny, and Ken Karch, thank you all for reading my column. I appreciate the fact that all of you after reading my story acted like a heat pump.

    Some of you pulled the humor out of my story like a heat pump pulls the heat components from the cold air and in fact added to the humor. Some of you pulled the serious parts out of my story like a heat pump pulls the cold components out of the air and continued with an intelligent and civil discussion by sharing thoughts, opinions, and facts for all of us to read and think about.

    Whether we all agree or not, we have demonstrated this morning that it is possible to discuss issues with humor and intellect in a constructive and civil manner.

    Thank you,

    Joe Boyle

    • Thank you for that. I agree completely with your sumup. Perhaps because we are of the gray hair generations.
      This 83 year old has seen a lot over the decades of politics. It just seems it’s taken on a new low and is getting tiresome to wallow in the latest mud.
      I always enjoy your columns and insight regardless of subject.
      Keep them coming.

  8. Gary Turney,

    Hijacking my column was okay because this mornings discussion brought more humor, facts, and opinions into the light for all to share.

    I am good with it.

    Joseph Boyle

  9. I love a good laugh. Truly I do. But when people are dying from drugs smuggled over our borders, when criminal aliens disregard our laws and kill our citizens (btw, I know not everyone crossing the border illegally is a murderer, but even one that is is too many and ALL of them crossing illegally are by definition breaking the law) , when sick people find sex trafficking of children and even adults to be a reasonable occupation across our border, well then I can’t laugh.

    I don’t care what your political party is. But when our border patrol is begging for a wall to stem the flow and help them manage the situation, I think we ought to listen to them. After all, they are the ones on the border, not the politicians in DC.

    There is documented crime on our southern border. If you don’t want to believe the reports, that’s your choice. But the first job of the Federal gov’t is to protect its citizens. Build the wall. No one said the wall is the only thing required. But it is an important part. There also should be other tools, plus a totally revamped immigration policy. But first build the wall. Doing so has already been approved by both parties in Congress. They just need to fund the law they already passed.

      • Thank you Joe. I meant no disrespect to you. At all. And as Gary Turney said, it should be possible to have civil discussions about the issues facing our community and country.

        Thank you for showing the way.

  10. Joe – it is indeed possible to have a civil discussion about contentious issues. As you, and others, might surmise, my political leanings tend to be left of center. I have a good friend in Colorado who is well right of center. But we have a civil discourse about issues, and surprisingly (to outsiders anyway) agree on a lot of them. We joke that if it were all left up to us, we could have everything solved in an hour by figuring out what we agree on, compromising on what we are close on, and bargaining on the rest (you get one, I get one sort of thing).

    In reality, that’s the way Washington worked decades ago. I’ve read accounts where, after all the political posturing, Ronald Reagan and Tip O’Neil would sit down work out deals and compromises where needed so each got a deal they could live with and sell to their consituents. I’m sure it wasn’t all smooth sailing, but it was a lot better than what’s going on today.

  11. Thanks Joe. I’m in need of a good laugh. I plan on sharing this with my friends far and wide.