Everyone says, don’t brag about yourself. Well, I hate to brag, but if I don’t tell everyone I was Employee Of The Month, how will they know?
The last time I was Anything Of The Month, was in high school in 1959 during my freshman year when I was Boy Of The Month. The main benefit that came with this honor was being able to date the Girl of The Month. It was not that big a deal because back in those days, there was no primo parking space for Boy Of The Month.
As I finish writing this braggadocio, egocentric, self-serving article about my favorite subject, Joe Boyle, I am starting to feel a sense of guilt and shame flowing over me.Joe Boyle – Employee Of The Month.
Alright, alright already. I admit to promulgating a falsehood in my quest for public adoration. I am not now, nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be Employee Of The Month.
My article should be a good reminder to all of you that you can’t believe everything you read.
If you think it through, there is no possible way I could be chosen as Employee Of The Month, because firstly, I am not an employee. Truth be known, I am unemployed and I have no visible means of support.
My custom meal plan is the only reason I get enough to eat these days.
Each day I circle inside Costco cleverly routing myself past the Costco demo food stations. I usually wear 6 – 8 layers of clothing so I can change my appearance with different colored shirts and a variety of hats and jackets. They never catch on. They are food handlers, not Homeland Security.
Of course, I have a pair of Groucho Marx eyeglasses with the big nose and mustache to complete my disguise. I pick up about 300 or so of those little white paper food cups until I scam enough free food samples to equal a meal.
I know Margie the food handler, so when I pass her food demo station, she gives me four helpings with each visit which reduces the number of laps I have to make around Costco. Please don’t tell anyone. I don’t want to get Margie fired.
You may wonder how I could sink so low. I could not help it. I saw the Employee Of The Month poster in Redner’s Grocery in the heart of Delaware and the temptation was far too great to pass up. The poster was right there and I was right there. Call it a crime of opportunity.
Like most Americans, I do not want to be held accountable for my actions. I feel the real blame is on the shoulders of the grocery store manager. Grocery stores should not display their Employee of the Month posters where the public has access.
I was overcome by an overpowering desire to perpetuate this photographic fraud.
I quickly stood in front of the poster taking care to block the photo of the real Employee Of The Month. My criminal conspirator and accomplice shot my photo and presto, I was flying high as Employee Of The Month.
I am so embarrassed. I may have to blow town or as they used to say, “Take it on the lamb,” just to be able to lay low until things cool down. Of course, I will be sure to pick a new location that has a Costco.
A G Toth says
It’s “take it on the lam”. Lambs are small sheep
Joseph Boyle says
Thank you. This is one of those times where a good American would try to not be held accountable. Yes, I couild blame the auto-correct function.
Truth be known, I am guilty of this composition boo boo. Taking it on the lam, is a fun phrase I have used for decades verbally, but I have never written it before.
Now I know. I feel so sheepish or is it lammish?
Linell Jones says
THANK YOU! You made me laugh hard this morning and that was oh so needed during these dark and dreary days. And my last “Employee of the Month” was in Sept 1983.
I’ll vote for you anytime!
You are hysterical, Joe. I needed a good laugh.
Linda S says
Joe!!!! That’s funny.
Mary Hammond says
Love it, Joe! You always keep your eyes open for photo ops that might never occur to “normal” folks.
About that “lay low” expression: the grammatically correct version would be to “lie low.” “Lay” is transitive, and requires an object (“Lay those books on the table.”)
“Lie” is intransitive, and has no object. (“The cat decided to lie on my keyboard while I was typing.”)
It often takes a lifetime to master the conjugations of “to lie” and “to lay.” One of my brothers is incorrigible, and, at 80, I fear he’s running out of time to get it right.
Note that these are both correct: “I”m going to lie down for a nap.” and “Now I lay me down to sleep….”. – me being the object.
Sorry to have to lay all this on you, but – I cannot lie – misuse of this verb is one of my pet peeves.
Shirlee Dashow says
The great thing about retirement is you can be anything you want on any given day!
Larry King says
Joe, your article was very entertaining, as were the comments. Unfortunately, my understanding of proper language use is so poor I thought “conjugation” was a special visit to a convict by his wife.
Mary Hammond says
Hahaha! That’s a good one!
Joseph Boyle says
My life would be ever so much better if I had your sense of humor. I laughed out loud.