Westside Story – Trumpets

If you get an opportunity, be certain to thank our ever popular hometown newspaper publisher, Ben Sclair, of The Suburban Times for his dedication in doing everything he can to bring you, our beloved readers, up to the minute election news.

Sparing no expense, Publisher Ben Sclair has sent me out on special assignment to Washington DC by bus and has housed me in the Motel 6 closest to the White House only 2.6 miles walking distance away. I say walking distance because Ben cleverly thought that by combining principles of geographic location with my doctor’s mandate that I exercise, he could avoid paying for my cab fare.

Ben’s assignment to me is to hang out, on location as they say in the business, and pose as a tourist while, all the while, gathering the late-breaking election news.

As we wind down the Trump vs. Clinton presidential race which has proven to be one of the longest, nastiest and most publicly frustrating presidential campaigns since the last nasty campaign and there have been several starting with Jefferson and Adams in 1800, I have been crashing as many Washington parties as possible along with hanging out at local upscale Washington coffee shops.

Ben’s news instincts have paid off. Yesterday while slurping espresso at the Elephants & Donkeys Coffee Shop, where there is always more brewing than just the coffee, I sat next to two Trumpets.

When I say Trumpet, I am not referring to the musical instrument. I am using a new Washington term pronounced Trum-pet. A Trum-pet is a young, good looking actress runway model type who is being chased by Donny Trump. He likes to chase as many as possible and then pick one to be his next wife. Trump kind of reminds me of King Henry VIII except for the fact that his wives get to keep their heads and a pile of Trump’s money.

As each Trumpet spoke as to why she should become the next first lady I overheard them mention that if Donny Trump becomes president, he plans to rename the White House the Trump House. We will know when it happens because he will install a giant sign across the face of the White House that reads TRUMP. He really likes putting his name on buildings and other stuff.

It reminds me of when I was a first grader and wrote my name, Joey, on everything I owned. As soon as Joey became Joe, I outgrew putting my name on stuff. Trump is still at it.

The Trumpets went on to say that Donny will move all government functions out of the White House or I should say Trump House, preferring to run big government from a casino since he believes everything the US Government does is a big gamble anyway.

If you are a thinking American voter, you are probably asking yourself, “What will Trump do with the old vacant White House?” Trump is first a big businessman. Trump House will become an Airbnb.

There you have it; another exclusive from The Suburban Times. You will not find this caliber of timely news reporting in any of the other major papers or on TV unless my work is picked up and syndicated like I am Leonard Pitts, Jr. or something.