Letter: At a Loss

At a loss for words. At a loss for purpose. At a loss to understand.

The Greek word διηπόρει (diēporei) means “to be in trouble, doubt, difficulty.”  To be disquieted in mind and heart. No sense can be made of the present circumstance.

Tormented. Distressed. Unsettled.

Apropos is the word for today as I reflect this early morning, the darkness giving way to the sunlight as it slowly dispels the gloom.

For now, the cards of condolences are shrouded against the brightening day, their messages of compassion unreadable. I suppose I should put them in a box someday, along with the many other cards taped to the opposite wall, stretching from buffet to ceiling.

So many cared. So many years we had together. So many memories.

Like the delicate beauty of the tulip valance adorning the window – her handiwork – so were the lives she touched – her children and grandchildren in particular. They were in part her handiwork, their achievements were in part her influence, their place in life and their direction in life her legacy.

And when I am at a loss, it is reflecting on her love for them, and on her love for me, that gives a sense that there is yet a reason and a purpose for this new day.