I wish I could write stories like this. I have to be honest. I would be guilty of plagiarism if I suggested this work was mine. My pal, Howard, who hangs out on the East Coast, sent it to me.
Stolen material:
RETIREE’S LAST TRIP TO KROGER’S
Yesterday I was at my local Kroger’s buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think…I had an elephant?
So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story).
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stopped to sniff a fire hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Kroger’s won’t let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
End of stolen material.
Are you laughing? Maybe one day I can write funny.
That story is priceless. We all need a laugh now more than ever. Thank you.
I tried that diet and almost got arrested. It seems I developed a need to sniff the backside of people I would meet.