Westside Story – Face Masks

Reader Warning: If you are hungry for highly intellectual reading material, do not – I repeat, do not read – this Westside Story.

Reader Comprehension Challenge: Can you spot the life-saving message(s) ensconced inside this whimsy laced Westside Story?

Our fearless leader in Olympia has mandated we wear face masks if we are among the public.

Most citizens comply with the Governor’s order and make a good faith effort to avoid getting or spreading the virus. Some citizens do not comply. Have you seen some of these mask-less citizens?

With a rampant number of mask-less violators running amok, our Governor has to be exploring ways to dole out consequences for mask violations.

Some examples of consequences for mask-less behavior under consideration in Olympia are as follows:

(1) CONSEQUENCE: Washington State could provide admonishment scripts to be screamed by the mask compliant while simultaneously wagging a pointer finder towards the mask-less person such as, “Bad, bad citizen. Put your mask on!”

This particular consequence has the potential power to harness societal pressure which can cause the mask-less person to suffer feelings of shame and guilt. Shame and guilt can be powerful motivators for the violator to don a mask.

On the other hand, there may be mask violators who are impervious to shame and guilt. These rascals may take to punching finger wagging admonishers right in their the Covid-19 compliant mask. That is why I choose to wear a more tactically sound skin tone mask making it more difficult for the mask-less to acquire a punching target.

(2) CONSEQUENCE: Cops could issue citations with a mandatory court appearance. Those violators showing up in court without a mask or found guilty of previous mask-less behavior will be sent to a solitary confinement prison cell.

As mask violators spend their days withering away in a cell, there is a positive for the mask-less. Solitary confinement in Washington State is classified as a mask-free zone. The Governor does not require masks unless the prisoner leaves the cell and enters public space, such as the exercise yard, like in the movie Shawshank Redemption. “Hey pal, I understand you’re a guy who knows how to get masks.”

(3) CONSEQUENCE: Of course, there is the old classic standby consequence described in the Bible, public stoning in the town square.

Rest assured, our Lakewood’s City Council will never bring back public stoning in the town square. That is because stoning is both an archaic and barbaric form of punishment, but mainly because City Council realizes Lakewood does not yet have a fully developed town square.

We should not be too hard on the mask-less. The mask violators may have a cogent reason for going mask-less.

Have you heard the mask-less complaining, using the currently often repeated phrase coined by those dedicated to fighting what they describe as rampant police brutality? “I can’t breath.”

For some, wearing a mask may well restrict their airflow like a clogged furnace filter. I have a genius solution. Simply redesign the mask, thereby making it possible for everyone to wear a mask and breathe simultaneously. Ah, compliance.

Once the mask idea becomes accepted as the norm, even after Covid -19 is conquered, the Governor plans to expand his mask program.

Check out the Governor’s hottest new idea for mandatory mask-wearing.

The alcohol imbiber mask will help teetotalers quickly identify drinkers and thereby avoid fist fights and DUI car crashes.

Wear your mask. Be safe. Keep others safe.

Editor’s Note: None of the models depicted above, including Larry King, Joe Boyle, and Claudia Niprash, suffered any injury during the photographing of this public service announcement.