During my 25 years in law enforcement and for many decades before, our old criminal justice system has focussed on chasing and apprehending felons. Our current deep-rooted crime-fighting system is not working, as is evidenced by the fact that crime is still pervasive in our society.
I cannot explain why we continue to repeat the same crime-fighting tactics over and over, even though our criminal justice system fails us.
Now that Steilacoom’s long term police chief has mysteriously left town and nobody is talking, Steilacoom, a town known for being First, has a unique opportunity to be First again.
To celebrate another First, all Steilacoom has to do is appoint me, Joe Boyle, as the new chief of police. What helps make this a First is I am a guy with no knowledge, education, or experience being the chief of police anywhere, anytime.
While I have never served in the upper ranks of a police administration, I consider my lack of experience and lack of qualifications to be an advantage to the people of Steilacoom. As chief, I will not be crippled with the traditional line of thinking a typical police chief would be influenced by. No knowledge and no training for serving as chief of police will free me to create novel never-thought-of-before crime-fighting ideas.
My first cutting edge concept involves eliminating the typical responses, activities, and behaviors police have been chained to for decades. As police chief, I will put an immediate end to investigating crime. No longer will our street cops chase, arrest, or incarcerate criminals. If appointed as Steilacoom’s new police chief, I will bring new order, tactics, and innovative concepts to crime suppression.
Tomorrow, I am going to pick up an application for Steilacoom Police Chief. To show that I am not fooling around, let me share a few more of my never-before-tried-cutting-edge crime-fighting ideas. If you are enthused by the way I think, be confident that I have a lot more ideas of this same caliber.
I will put Steilacoom on the map when Steilacoom celebrates another First by implementing innovative crime eradication programs.
To begin with, instead of hassling and intimidating felons and chasing them all around town, the Steilacoom Police, with Chief Joe Boyle leading by example, will instigate a new kinder, softer, be kind to felons approach.
As chief, I will create a friendlier form of community policing by hanging out for hours at Topside Coffee Cabin (TCC). At TCC, we will feature our Steilacoom felon-friendly coffee hour called Cappuccinos for Felons.
An additional felon friendly approach will be my proposal for changing the police uniform. We will eliminate a lot of the intimidating equipment historically carried by law enforcement officials. No more tasers, cap-stun, handcuffs, or batons. I will eliminate the police radio to promote cops and felons getting to know each other on a one on one basis. Guns? Nope, Steilacoom cops will not carry guns because guns are too intimidating. Besides, non-lethal force has become very popular with the uninformed public. The no-gun policy works for Bobbies in England, so Bobbies in Steilacoom should work too.
We will hire more female officers because females come equipped with motherly instinct. Male-dominated police forces have never been able to use maternal instinct as a way to guide a felon away from a life of crime.
If we can be kinder to felons, studies show a mellow felon will be more willing to integrate seamlessly into society. The Steilacoom plan will cause crime statistics to plummet. Just imagine a crime-free Steilacoom.
Check out my image below. The photo depicts a “Be Kind to Felons” dinner-dance. Notice how much more friendly, stylish, and non-threatening the police officer’s uniform and equipment display is. My new uniform proposal will create a more positive officer presence.
Felon, Rocky Caper, signed a Friendly Felon Agreement promising to abandon his life of crime before joining Officer Freda Friendly at the Felon-Friendly Dinner-Dance.
Of course, because the criminal habits of lying, stealing, and mugging die hard, we still have work to do. Rocky forged Ron Lucas’s signature on the Friendly Felon Agreement.
To learn all about victim Ron Lucas, aka Ronn Lucas in real life, click here. Rocky Caper and Ron Lucas do not look anything alike. Besides, Ron Lucas never wears stripes because Ron knows stripes make him look short.
Appointing Joe Boyle Police Chief of Steilacoom is a giant step towards more fun in a crime-free society.
To some, my becoming chief of police may seem far-fetched. On the serious side, you should know this; if American’s do not stop disrespecting and executing cops, America will end up with no police protection. We are already heading towards that problematic end. Current circumstances today are pushing the far-fetched towards tomorrow’s norm.
Sorry Joe, you won’t be first. That title goes to a chief hired many years ago that had no experience as a public service police officer. He had to go through police academy training. But your other ideas might very well be a first. Good luck!
Joe,
Here’s another idea to make a soft approach, Instead of warning possible felons with “Stop or I’ll shoot!” instead sing out “Stop in the name of love . . .” Also instead of hiding and waiting for speeders, use your office at the Top Side and equip it with radar. When someone speeds by you could have a warning alarm wake you up and set you into action. No action, no foul. I would support you . . .
I think Joe, you would make an excellent Chief Of Police for the City of Steilacoom. I hope that the city seriously consider you The experience as a Police Officer and involvement in your community that you currently have should be sufficient. We wish you all the luck!
Joe, you left out a crying room. Oh, and a really sympathetic and enabling mayor like the personality to the north. It takes team work, so you need to get others with that mentality on board.
Gone are the days of the friendly cop on foot or horseback in NYC that I knew and in towns across our country that were admired and respected. Sadly America is a different place now. The old saying, “it begins at home”, is true.
Until the public gets fed up and really stands behind their men in blue there will be fewer entering the force. Flowers and prayers are not enough.
It’d be nice if the upper echelon of our state (and sadly many others) would take their heads out of their rears. Stop giving criminals a free pass. Clean up the drug infested streets, stop allowing the homeless to camp where they please, quit coddling offenders who continually and habitually break the law…no more of this hands-off approach. Let the cops do their jobs and stop villifying them for defending themselves when they have to. Lawyers are a…necessary evil, I suppose but, stop allowing technicalities to let criminals walk free. Same goes for Judges and others that practice law. The whole system is being abused. Perhaps if we started taking a more hardline approach and put the fear of God back into rapists, murderers and umpteenth time habitual offenders, maybe we can take our streets back. Maybe we could feel a little safer at night, knowing that the powers that be aren’t using crime as a way to profit off of the people who put them in office to begin with.
How about pink uniforms? They would be much less threatening.
Mr. Van Iderstine,
Back in my day, we had a problem with cons stealing the T-shirts and underwear loaned to them while they stayed inside the graybar hotel (jail).
After serving their time and being released, we would often end up arresting them again (recidivisim). On their next arrest we would catch them wearing the t-shirts and underwear stolen from the Pierce County Jail. I do not remember if I ever took this action, but if I were to uncover this theft today and I was still working, I would add a charge of Possession of Stolen Property.
Our solution was your solution. We started dyeing the underwear and T-shirts the color pink. Theft of these garments plummeted as no thief wanted to be caught on the outside wearing pink.
Deputy Joseph Boyle, #333 Retired.
Professional Joe Boyle aka “Westside Story-First” of the Suburban Times, this description and character written above will definitely have my vote as the new Steilacoom Police Chief. But declaring you as the “First” still will be set aside in light of all the actions written above and take place in Steilacoom.