Today, it is with great sadness that I announce I am dropping out of the 2020 presidential race.
Let it be known by all citizen voters that I have met all Constitutional requirements for becoming president of the United States.
CONSTITUTIONAL REQUIREMENTS:
- I am a US citizen.
- I have been a resident of America for over 76 years thereby meeting the 14-year residency required minimum.
- I have reached the minimum age of 35. In fact, for me, it is a long look backwards to age 35.
Adding to my minimum qualifications, I have presidential experience. I served as president of my college business fraternity, Alpha Kappa Psi, in the mid-1960s. I served 38 years on my homeowner’s Board of Trustees, including four terms as the president. I was president of my rental management real estate company, Joseph Boyle Company. It is easy to see that I am eminently qualified.
During our 2016 election, we were presented with two dodgy candidates, Hillary Clinton, and Donald Trump. These two choices served to prove that anybody can run for our nation’s highest office and win.
That being said, I thought I could be a candidate too. After all, I am an anybody too. Alas my campaign as a Democratic candidate for president has been negated by an overwhelming list of cogent reasons compelling me to drop out of the race.
Facing facts I had until 11:59 Wednesday, August 28, 2019, to meet the Democratic National Committee’s qualification requirements: amassing 130,000 individual donors and receiving 2% support in at least four qualifying polls.
Only 5 people donated to my campaign which means I only missed the requirement by 129,995 donors. My supporter’s total donations amounted to $67.28, not counting the fact that one donor’s check bounced, leaving me with $7.28 in my campaign war-chest.
Donor Larry King, a high school pal, offered a $12.52 donation. I tried to tell Larry Green Stamps lost all value in 1991, but he informed me he was not cutting loose with any real cash now that he is retired and on a fixed income.
My college roommate, Melvin Van Iderstein, promised to contribute $10,000. When I tried to collect, Melvin claimed to have lost the entire contents of his wallet after ending up on the losing side of a sure-thing golfing bet at Elks Allenmore Golf Course.
As far as the polls are concerned, I ended up with 0%. It seems no one knew I was running for president. Did you? Even my wife had no clue regarding my effort to chase the American Dream. Her lack of knowledge regarding my political aspirations might explain why she did not contribute to my campaign.
Presidential candidate Andrew Yang is another reason for quitting. He proposes giving every American adult an income of $1,000 per month. He has done the math and knows it can be done. I was never that good at math. The most I could come up with is $38.17 a month for every American adult in the form of Green Stamps. Obviously, I could not compete.
Billionaire, Howard Schultz, former CEO of Starbucks, just dropped out of the race as of September 7, 2019. If a billionaire can’t afford to run for president, how is a guy, like me, with a $128.58 net worth expected to maintain a campaign while still behind on his 1966 college loans?
The final blow to my effort to run for president happened when my drooping support caused the National Democratic Committee to investigate my credentials. The committee informed me that I am truly not qualified to run as a Democratic candidate for president of the United States based on the fact that I am not a Democrat. I thought they were being icky picky by focusing on such a tiny issue, but what can I do?
I wonder if it is too late to throw my hat in the ring for Lakewood’s City Council race?
Absolutely hilariously comical! Thank you, Joe! We lost a worthy candidate, but at least you you keep us laughing.
Very funny article. How about Joe Boyle the write-in candidate. Would that be legal? What happens if you win?
Gosh darn, Joe! Why didn’t you let us know you were running! I make some mean coconut macaroon cookies and I’m sure other supporters would have been happy to contribute other kinds: chocolate chip, oatmeal, and lots of other delicious goodies. We could have made a fortune in bake sales, no doubt putting you over the top! Since we missed that deadline, I think Larry has the only answer….a write-in. Our campaign slogan could be, “It’s never too late when our candidate is so great!” Onward and Upward!
Pat, you would be great as Joe’s campaign manager. Hmmm City Council candidate. I like it.
Joe, Maybe you should run as a Republican. They do not have any restrictions so far on how many donors, you need to have nor any poling requirements. Since your wife didn’t know you were running as a Democrat it is assumed that you have kept your party affiliation quite in the Boyle household all these years. Go for it!
Not all is lost. There is a good chance another “Joe” will be running for President of the U.S.of A.
Gosh Joe, you lucked out. Have you been to D.C. in the summer? There’s a reason it’s called a swamp and it has nothing to do with politics. Of course all the hot air from politicians does add to the heat and humidity.
Joe,
Two many zeros, not $10,000.00 it was $1,00 Also you and I may have too may skeletons in our closet to run for any office. We at lest I do so you are still free to run for the Lakewood City council.
Vaniderstine
Joe,
Two many zeros, not $10,000.00 it was $1,00 Also you and I may have too may skeletons in our closet to run for any office. Well at lest I do so you are still free to run for the Lakewood City council. I will up the money to $10,00 to help you support your efforts.
Vaniderstine