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What Would Benny Hill Do?

I was third in line at the Safeway checkout (I hate the self-serve checkout line). The two people in front of me didn’t seem to have that many items in their carts. However, after two minutes of mentally checking my short shopping list and my current “to do” list I was still third in line.

The first person in line, a lady in her late seventies or older, had two hams and only a few items. I heard the amount, so I knew it was almost time for her to move on. Two minutes passed . . . all of a sudden I was fourth in line . . . the Safeway clerk had joined us. He was helping the lady with the credit card/machine. He then returned to his cash register. She finally left. I’m second in line.

The Benny Hill show contained slapstick, burlesque and enough double entendre to entertain a third grader, Roy Moore, and Harvey Weinstein.

The clerk swiped a couple of items and stopped. The second lady, a woman in her sixties, held up a billfold. “I’ll go catch her,” she said and threw the billfold down and scurried away to find the first lady. The force of throwing down the billfold opened it up and business cards and credit cards exploded and showered the floor. I’m first in line, but the line had stopped.

The clerk came around and bent over to pick up the pieces. I could tell from the way he bent he was having a problem. I said, “Do your knees hurt as much as mine?” “I got two metal knees,” he gasps. He laid the billfold down on the counter and returned to his register. Both women come back. The first lady took her billfold and began thanking the second lady and the clerk. She left, for the second time. I’m third in line. The people behind me have changed many times. I recognized several of them as they left with their bags of groceries AND receipts. I looked around for hidden cameras possibly recording the action as well as my rolling eyes.

The second lady leaves. I stepped up to the credit card machine and pulled out my wallet. I reached for my credit card. I couldn’t get a grip on it and the card was forced further down into it’s compartment. I fumbled around a little bit. I heard someone well behind me say, “I dunno, but I’m only third in line and I ain’t leavin’.”

Finally, out in my car, I just shook my head . . . and thought to myself, “What would Benny Hill do?”

In case you are really, really young, and have never heard of Benny Hill, he was a British comedian on TV. His show contained slapstick, burlesque and enough double entendre to entertain a third grader, Roy Moore, and Harvey Weinstein. The Benny Hill format included live comedy and filmed segments with Hill as the focus of almost every segment.

Imagining Benny Hill at Safeway, pulling down pants, doing pratfalls, and standing in line wearing a French maid costume restored my life back to normal. I laughed and drove away. Thank you, Benny.

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