Last evening, needing a can of spray texture for some sheetrock repairs, I headed over to my favorite locally owned, Lakewood Hardware. Originally I wrote this first sentence as “I headed on down”. That made no sense because my house and Lakewood Hardware are both 262 feet above sea level. Really. I checked it out. The land between my house and Lakewood Hardware is flat as Kansas in the Springtime. So, as you can plainly see, there is no way for me to “head on down”. I did head over.
Okay, back to my reason for writing this article in the first place. As I approached the front door of Lakewood Hardware I noticed a flyer taped to the door. Check it out in the photo below.
“Help Wanted” at Lakewood Hardware and there are several jobs available. Think of the gas money you will save with the teeny-weeny commute by car, bus or shoes between your home in Lakewood and your new job at Lakewood Hardware. Once you arrive at work; free parking.
The Lakewood Hardware crew is a bunch of great people to work with. The reason I know everyone is so friendly and helpful is because I have been a customer since 1969 in the era of the first generation owners.
When I saw the flyer, I immediately wanted to apply for one of the jobs. I have thought of working at Lakewood Hardware for decades. There now — it is out in the open. For years and years I have coveted a Lakewood Hardware job. I thought it might be a great retirement gig.
Don’t worry, for the following reasons I promise not to apply for a Lakewood Hardware job, and my word is my bond:
- For four years I have been one of those guys you heard about who is retired on a fixed income. That means I no longer know how to work for money if I have to get off the couch and leave the house. And to make matters worse, I can’t watch daytime TV at Lakewood Hardware.
- At my age, there is no need for an alarm clock so I gave mine away. I would never wake up for work on time.
- One of the requirements listed in the job announcement is the ability to work in a fast paced environment. At my age, I can only work in a slow paced environment and then after a while I need a nap.
- In my effort to look unemployable, I now have a beard. I am too old to get one of those nifty tattoos on my face or maybe a nose ring the size of a hula hoop or some of those ear gauges that look like truck tires. But, I do what I can, and the beard seems to be working just fine. I have not received a single job offer. Besides, with the beard, I might not make it through the interview process without someone calling the police because they think I am the Harry Potter bank robber in a clever bearded disguise.
- If a customer asked for a screwdriver, I would serve the customer a glass filled with vodka and orange juice.
- If a customer asked for a miter-box, I would serve myself a glass filled with vodka and orange juice.
- I would spend my entire weeks pay buying must-have hardware gadgets. After all my gadget payroll deductions, there would be no pay for me. Why work?
- At my age, if I followed a customer down aisle 6 (Yea! Mary, I used the correct isle), I might get lost and never find my way back to the front door.
- Remembering customer names is important, and at my age I am not good at remembering names starting with my own.
- As an employee I may no longer be eligible for my free annual Lakewood Hardware Customer Appreciation Breakfast.
Because I have pledged to not apply for a Lakewood Hardware job, you now have an excellent chance. Check it out in person or apply on line at Lakewood Hardware and Paint, Inc.
For an extra two points on your employment interview, tell them Joe Boyle from The Suburban Times sent you.