It is dark outside and tired inside, but I have a desire to do a little writing before I go lights out. What should I write about tonight? I know, I will use my recent visit to the Lakewood Hysterical Mole Museum as a springboard into my next story. Let’s talk moles. There are two kinds of people when it comes to moles, mole kissers and mole haters.
Luckily for me I live in the City of Lakewood where our geologic history has blessed us with ground that is inhospitable to moles. Well documented volcanic and glacial actions have made my Lakewood yard a NO MOLE zone.
I remember back in the early 1960s when I lived in the Puyallup Valley. You could dig a hole deep enough to impress a grave digger and never run into a single rock. It was a NO ROCK zone. When the Puyallup River flooded in the 1930s, our yard was covered with tons of rich Puyallup Valley top soil. The downside was that the dearth of rocks made our yard a veritable mole haven.
Once our lawmakers, who are presently scraping the bottom of the barrel in their effort to find ways to mess with the public, succeed in forcing us to allow men and boys, who claim to be feeling their feminine side, to mix it up with our wives, girlfriends and daughters in the public restrooms, the lawmakers will finally be free to concentrate on mole discrimination.
It is amazing how our government can throw out common sense and push us to the brink of lunacy by abusing a discrimination law, Title IX, originally designed to prevent actual meaningful gender discrimination. They worry about discriminating against transgenders, but give no thought regarding how transgender posers will be able to negatively impact innocent women and children.
After witnessing what our government is doing with Title IX, it is not a big leap to imagine them wanting to prosecute guys like me for mole discrimination because my Lakewood yard is inhospitable to moles. The pendulum of political correctness is obviously beginning to rage out of control.
You think I jest. Our government has already outlawed the mole trap. I have included a photo of an old fashioned classic mole trap currently on display at the Lakewood Hysterical Mole Museum – Joseph Boyle Curator. I say Hysterical because of the moronic law on the books that makes it illegal for a property owner to protect his property by using a mole trap. There is something wrong when the rights of moles TRUMP the property rights of human beings.
Some independent thinking citizens are not willing to stand by and let our politicians strip us of our right to protect our property, as is evidenced by Brian’s story.
After draining his checkbook and working up a good sweat, landscaping his yard, Brian’s hard work began to be destroyed by a mole invasion. Not wanting to be incarcerated for violating the mole kisser anti-mole trap law, he used his cerebral power to develop an alternative solution not covered by the no-trapping legislation.
Here is how Brian’s mole fighting plan worked.
Step 1: Brian used a shovel, which is still legal to possess in Washington State without a permit, to uncover the mole tunnel located in the middle of his formerly beautiful lawn.
Step 2: Brian poured one gallon of gasoline down the mole hole and watched it flow into the mole tunnel. He used gasoline with 15% Ethanol, because Brian is all about being earth friendly.
Step 3: Brian fired up his air compressor and stuffed the business end of the hose down the tunnel in order to evenly distribute the gas fumes throughout the mole tunnel system; a genius move.
Just as Brian was ready to act on step four he realized he lacked anything to ignite the gasoline. He left the air compressor running as went to retrieve his BBQ lighter.
Step 4: Brian returned with his BBQ lighter to torch off the gasoline. He knew his plan was succeeding beyond his expectations when following the sound of a huge explosion he was blown backwards into an ivy bed 12 feet away.
The combination of too much gasoline and the efficiency of his air distribution system resulted in what police call “unintended consequences”. In Brian’s effort to impact the moles, he blew up his entire yard actually exceeding the damage the moles were producing. There was sod, dirt and plants everywhere. Nearby neighbors found themselves ankle deep in dead mole carcasses.
Using a garden hose, it took Brian over an hour to put out all the tree and shrub fires his instantaneous mole eradication program had generated.
Brian subscribes to an old pyrotechnician’s rule of thumb which states, “There is no problem so large that can’t be solved with the proper amount of gasoline.”
On the positive side, Brian reports there have been no mole problems within a 5 mile radius surrounding the blast zone.
Should you meet up with a guy named Brian who has no eyebrows, you may have just met the Mole Buster.
Don’t try talking to Brian. He can no longer hear you.
“Claim to be feeling their feminine side”?
Ms. Stern,
Thank you for commenting. My article contains 888 words. You quoted 7 of my 888 words. The key most important single word is “Claim”.
I am not so concerned about true transgenders. I am concerned about posers claiming to be transgenders invading restrooms and showers occupied by our women and children. How will we be able to tell the real from the faux?
As government and society decides who is to be put at risk and inconvenience, I believe we should favor protecting women and children over protecting transgenders. I do not hear anyone talking about protecting women and children.
Joseph Boyle
I remember the concern with the legislation from the ’80’s or ’90’s. There was an effort to curtail the trapping of animals such as cougars and other wildlife because it was considered inhumane.
The issue of mole-trapping was brought up. Those supporting the the anti-trapping legislation assured homeowners that it was not the intent of the law to prevent homeowners from trapping/killing moles. Over and over this was stated, even after it was questioned why legal trapping of moles wasn’t being included in the language.
Well, voters passed the law, partly, because of the “assurances” it did not include the trapping of moles; and who could argue that the trapping of wild animals was cruel. All you had to do was look at the photos that were provided. Guess what? The ‘language’ of the law almost immediately was interpreted to include mole-trapping as illegal.
Mr. Shaw:
You have the memory of a steel trap! You are exactly right about how that legislation all played out.
When I read the title, I expected to be regaled with a trip to the dermatologist. That too, could have ended with some gasoline and an explosion.
Mr. Richardson:
Your comment cracked me up. Very good!
Thank you!!! I really needed to read this after waking this morning…At one point I laughed so hard I snorted, lol!! 🙂
Loved your tongue in cheek mole story Joe! It was a riot! I am sending it on to my friends who have been fighting moles…
I found your article once again abounds with truth mixed with humor. Hysterically funny.
Let Brian know that a simpler way to discourage moles is to trade the gasoline and matches for any male mammal’s pee. Clear out the top dirt of the mole hill to expose the tunnel…then aim or …a… “pour” in male urine!