5 Second Rule: The real reason tobacco was not banned from Lakewood parks.
The probability that a peanut butter and jelly sandwich will fall face down when it is dropped is:
(a) proportional to the cost of the carpet;
(b) inapplicable if the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is made correctly (i.e. peanut butter and jelly go on theINSIDE of the sandwich. Watch this video for proper culinary procedure);
(c) immaterial if the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is strapped – jelly side up (ignore the video) – to the back of a cat which, it is well known, when dropped always lands on its feet. But, and this is important, a cat – to which is affixed a jelly-side-up sandwich, which sandwich alone would normally land jelly side down (again depending on the value of the floor covering) – will, if enough jelly is spread, not after all approach claws-down the very, very expensive carpet given the agglomeration of cat and sandwich cancel out normal landing-craft expectations leaving cat, jelly and peanut butter to spin indefinitely in midair;
(d) inconsequential if complying with the five second rule.
So perspire no more.
The five second rule isn’t a myth after all.
Beyond that however and you’re looking at staphylococcus aureus, cellulitis folliculitis and some of their other friends attacking out of nowhere that contemplated morsel.
Strangely enough – that Persian rug over which your Persian cat is spinning? Scientists’ research shows you’ve got an additional grace period – when the floor covering is carpet – to retrieve whatever it was, say grace, and gormandize.
All parks.
All smokes.
Of course in addition to the rather obvious gastro-intestinal, lung and liver disorders that should occur if you’re slow on the draw – whether retrieving food or inhaling smoke – there’s also House Bill 2795 that would invest more, as people ingest more, in education now that an enlightened people have all 12 Lakewood Parks to light up.
So, the non-ban of tobacco in Lakewood Parks?
Hey, it’s for the kids – their health, education and welfare.
Well, maybe their education but clearly not their health and welfare.
