Westside Story – The Suburban Times Roving Traffic Cam

Story & Video – Joseph Boyle

While he has never actually told me this, I think one of the reasons Publisher Ben Sclair keeps me around The Suburban Times is because he recognizes that I am a prolific idea guy.

In fact I have a new idea right now.  I am calling it The Suburban Times Roving Traffic Cam.

Here is how it works.  The new traffic cam service is free to all our readers.  Since it is free and because the newspaper subscription is also free, we do not have a lot of money to throw at swanky traffic cams like you see on the internet and TV.  Ben simply sent me out to rove around with my iPhone 4S cell phone with video capability.

While our Traffic Cam budget is non-existent, we were still able to produce traffic reports at two locations.

Location #1: City of Lakewood traffic circle at 6000 Main Street SW. (below)

Location #2:  Chicago toll-way. (below).

You might be quick to suggest, “This traffic cam report will not do anyone any good.” Consider this.  When you view an expensive professionally produced traffic cam report, you get irritating and depressing up-to-the minute traffic reporting.  The problem with that is when you see these reports, you quickly come to the negative conclusion, “I will never make it.” You suffer what I term unnecessary premature stress before reaching the traffic jam.  With our traffic cam report, you drive along with a Pollyanna attitude and suffer no stress at all until you actually get locked into the bumper-to-bumper traffic.

The Suburban Times traffic report has some built in advantages.  First, it is out of date.  It in no way relates to what is actually going on in your world.  Secondly, while having a national traffic report sounds impressive, we have carefully filmed locations you will never drive through.

When you view one of our traffic reports you benefit from our having carefully filmed the report to only show light easy going traffic with vehicles catapulting down the road at top speed.  Our reports give you a sense of calm.  You will be happy.  Your nerves are not frazzled. The euphoric feeling will continue for you right up until the your car is swallowed up in a bumper-to-bumper crawling traffic jam.

When you find the roadway jammed up tighter than a herd of cattle inching towards a fresh bail of hay, then it is time to be stressed.

So check out the Suburban Times Roving Traffic Cam Report before you venture out in your motorcar.  The report may not be accurate nor will we be filming a location you are interested in, but you feel a lot better being misinformed.  You will learn the truth soon enough.

If you like my idea, be certain to compliment Mr. Ben Sclair on his fine newspaper.  If you do not like the idea, don’t mention it.  I am having way too much fun to risk losing my job as “oldest living cub reporter” this side of the Mississippi, where I bring you well documented facts and other stuff I simply make up.